JavaScript Preferred Flagellation Method Among Christian Software Engineers, Report Says

DAMASCUS — Flagellation is the act of inflicting pain in the human body with special implements such as whips, rods, switches, the cat o’ nine tails, the sjambok, the knout, or more modern techniques such as certain programming languages. Typically, flagellation is imposed on an unwilling subject as a punishment; however, it can also be practiced for pleasure, or performed on oneself, in religious or sadomasochistic contexts.
Equipped with a myriad of death traps, and lacking the most basic discipline to be considered a serious programming language, JavaScript has been climbing positions among preferred beating methods, according to a report from the Holy Institute of Christian Software Engineers from the Vatican. Freewheeling coercions galore a with a wildly inconsistent semantics, JavaScript doesn’t even have a proper integer type—everything’s fucking double precision—or even a normal array type. The report quantifies that “one hour dealing with JavaScript has the same punitive effect as 150 whippings”, and informs that catholic priests have been authorized by a papal decree to use it as punishment after confession.