Europe Announces Funding Program Aimed for Space Startups Which Ensures Long, Excruciating Application Process

BRUSSELS — The European Commission is rolling out a new program to offer investment for European space startups. Authorities from the European Commission, European Investment Bank and European Investment Fund announced they were committing at least one billion euros over five years to Cassini, a program that will provide early-stage funding for European space companies.

“European space entrepreneurs are always on the look for private financing sources, principally because applying for governmental funding comes with a great dose of pointless bureaucracy, rank pulling, geopolitical intricacies and an excruciating amount of paperwork. This program is no different, we will ensure applying to it will be as torturing as it’s always been,” said Hans Peters, deputy vice president of the European Investment Bank, during a speech at the 14th European Space Conference where he and other officials announced the fund. “European public financial instruments play an essential role in unlocking industrial amount of forms to fill across various poorly-designed online platforms equipped with the feature of randomly trashing all user data filled so far so you have to start all over” Mr. Peters added.

Henry Beauregard, the European Union commissioner responsible for space policy, offered similar sentiments at the conference. “As if dealing with private equity firms is not tormenting enough, Cassini will make entrepreneurs reconsider their life choices.”