Startup CEO Panics Upon Realization He Needs A Strategy

DUBLIN — Andrew Luczynski, CEO at Bored Ape Space—a space startup planning to launch a constellation of picosatellites equipped with LED lights which will form different images of pixelated monkeys in the night sky on demand—who recently announced it raised 35 million in a series A round, has reportedly suffered a panic attack after the downright realization his company needs an actual, genuine strategy, including goals, plans and schedules in order to function, sources related to the matter told the Inquirer. “Where do I buy it? Is there an app?”, Mr. Luczynski asked a group of concerned board members. At press time, the executive’s anxiety had been stabilized by the board after a set of consultants from Deloitte were secured, along with 7 VPs and a dozen other paid advisors.