New Study Reveals VCs Find Sexual Pleasure In Practicing Discursive Ambiguity

TORONTO — A new study titled “Arousal causes within the venture capital industry” by the Institute of Neurocognitive Studies of the University of Ottawa reveals that investors find strong sexual gratification in engaging in highly ambiguous discursive practices where the more cryptic and enigmatic the message, the more orgasmically pleasant the experience proves to be for them. “Subjects under study have shown strong sexual brain activity after using overly ambiguous discursive artifacts such as:

We’re trying to see if this resonates with us
We like this, but we don’t love it
We are in! But we still need to see the big picture here

The research goes ahead to reveal that venture capital investors consider vacuous small talk neurobiologically and cognitively equivalent as foreplay.