Chinese Intercontinental Missile Failure Attributed to C++ Compiler Made By Elizabeth Holmes

GUANGZHOU — The failure of a nuclear-capable Dongfeng 5 Intercontinental Ballistic Missile (ICBM) during a test on Feb 19th by the Chinese PLAAF (People’s Liberation Army Air Force) has been reportedly attributed to a C++ compiler purchased from Elizabeth Holmes—former CEO of the ill-fated company Theranos—back when she was still in highschool.
Amidst a general atmosphere of secrecy, and as a full investigation on the mishap is ongoing, sources related to the matter have unofficially commented that the investigation is leading towards Holmes’ poor understanding of compilers and programming in general.

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